Becoming a Catholic

I don't really know why I became a Catholic. My decision to join the Church was about 13 years ago now, though I wasn't actually baptised until 4 years after that. I was never baptised as an infant and my parents were always very open as to why: my father was a Catholic but my mother was an Anglican. They couldn't decide which church to have me baptised in so left it up to my own decision.

I was about 8 years old when I decided to become a Catholic. I attended an Anglican church every Sunday and to all intents and purposes I was considered an Anglican. I went to Sunday School and every week I'd go up to the altar with my arms crossed across my chest to receive a blessing. I did, however, attend a private Catholic school. Most of the students were Catholic, this being in an area where almost 80% of the population is Catholic. At school I went to chapel several days a week, every day when I was older.

I remember the rest of my class preparing for their First Holy Communion. As an Anglican I, along with a few other Anglicans and a Muslim classmate, was not involved. I also remember being intensely jealous of my Catholic classmates. I can't remember exactly why and there was probably something very silly about it but also something intensely providential as well. I didn't even understand really what it was, I knew nothing of the Real Presence. All I knew was that they had something I intensely wanted and looking back I think even then something drew me to the Eucharist. I could easily have been baptised Anglican and taken First Communion with my friends from Sunday School. But the desire in my heart was the the Catholic Eucharist, something I didn't really understand but have come to love so intensely.

I may only have been a child but I saw something in Catholicism that Anglicanism lacked. I don't know what that was, realistically my understanding of the differences was basically non-existent but all I knew was that I belonged in the Catholic Church.

I suppose in the end what it comes down to is that I became a Catholic because I felt God calling me there.

"Upon this rock I will build my church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it." Matthew 16:18

Coming Home

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A zealous persecutor of Christians became a martyr for his love of Jesus Christ. A man who was present at and assisted in the martyrdom of Saint Stephen went on to join Stephen in the ranks of those who gave their very lives for Christ. Saul of Tarsus became Paul the Apostle.

How boundless is God's love and mercy that He reached out to one so far from His grace! And He continues to reach out to us all, those who are close and those who are far just the same. His love is so truly unconditional that He will always welcome us home.

Saint Paul is the ultimate conversion story and a beautiful reminder that no matter what we do in our lives we can always find redemption and forgiveness in the Lord. No matter who we are or what sins we have committed, God is always calling out to us. When I have strayed and felt that God could never take me back into His arms, Saint Paul has been there to guide me home. 

Blog Stats & the Internet

I find my blog stats fascinating. It always just astounds me the bizarre ways people find my blog and the amazing countries I'm getting views from. Just today I've had readers from the Bahamas, the Czech Republic and Malaysia. I've never even been to these places but people all over the world are finding my little blog. How cool is that? I guess that's the amazing thing about the internet, you can be miles and miles away from someone and not even know them but still somehow connect them with.

It still amazes me that people seem to actually read what I have to say. Most of the time I'm pretty sure I'm talking complete nonsense! I'm actually nearing 5000 total views, which is just amazing. I've been blogging for almost exactly 6 months now (6 months and 3 days according to the little ticker I have at the bottom of the blog) so that's really amazing too.

Seriously, to everyone who reads this and comments so kindly, thank you. I have no idea who you are but you've really touched my life. You are all in my prayers. God Bless.

Saint Dymphna

Lord, our God, you graciously chose Saint Dymphna as patroness of those afflicted with mental and nervous disorders. She is thus an inspiration and a symbol of charity to the thousands who ask her intercession. Please grant, Lord, through the prayers of this pure youthful martyr, relief and consolation to all suffering such trials, and especially those for whom we pray. We beg you, Lord, to hear the prayers of Saint Dymphna on our behalf. Grant all those for whom we pray patience in their sufferings and resignation to your divine will. Please fill them with hope, and grant them the relief and cure they so much desire. We ask this through Christ our Lord who suffered agony in the garden. Amen.

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Daughter of a pagan Irish chieftain named Damon, and a beautiful devoted Christian woman whose name has not come down to us. Her mother died when Dymphna was a teenager. Her father searched the Western world for a woman to replace his wife, but none could. Returning home, he saw that his daughter was as beautiful as her mother, and maddened by grief, he made advances on her. She fought him off, then fled to Belgium with Saint Gerebernus, an elderly priest and family friend.

Dymphna’s father searched for them, and his search led to Belgium. There an innkeeper refused to accept his money, knowing it was difficult to exchange. This told Damon that his daughter was close – it would be unusual for a village innkeeper to know a lot about foreign currency, and his knowledge indicated that had recently seen it. The king concentrated his search in the area. When he found them in Gheel, he beheaded Gerebernus, and demanded that Dymphna surrender to him. She refused, and he killed her in a rage.

The site where she died is known for its miraculous healings of the insane and possessed. There is now a well-known institution on the site, and her relics are reported to cure insanity and epilepsy.
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Hear us, O God, Our Savior, as we honor St. Dymphna, patroness of those afflicted with mental and emotional illness. Help us to be inspired by her example and comforted by her merciful help. Amen.

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O God, we humbly beseech You through Your servant, St. Dymphna, who sealed with her blood the love she bore You, to grant relief to those who suffer from mental afflictions and nervous disorders, especially (Name). St. Dymphna, helper of the mentally afflicted, pray for us.

Most pure virgin, St. Dymphna, we live at a time when many are intent on satisfying every carnal appetite. Your single-minded dedication to Christ alone is providential and inspiring. Please help us by your power with God to see life in proportion as you did. With your aid we propose to perform all our actions for a pure motive, and promptly to resist all our evil inclinations. Amen.

Fantasy

Sometimes I wonder if all this is just indulging a fantasy. There are times when I feel like a child playing house, only I'm a grown woman playing nun. I think part of my problem is that I can't integrate this into my daily life. I can't tell anyone that I'm discerning so I keep it separate from my daily life. My discernment is this hidden indulgence, sneakily posting here and on my forums when there's no-one in the house.

But if it were just an indulgence would it seep into the rest of my life the way this does? When I'm in the world I feel fake, like I'm hiding from everyone. And I am, I'm hiding the discerner. It's like a fire inside me and no matter how hard I've tried to quench it, it's still there. When I was at my retreat it finally fit, for a fleeting moment I could let it be seen and be heard knowing that here I would treated as valid.

If it were just a fantasy would I want it this badly? Surely a fantasy is something you let yourself dream about but know that it can never happen. I don't know that this can never happen. All I can imagine for my future is being behind a grille. I belong on the other side.

It is not the hidden side of me that is indulging a fantasy. It is the side of me that everyone can see. I indulge in a fantasy that I could ever be anything else when I know I can't.

Modesty

A few days ago I went to the Chinese take-out place around the corner from my place. While I was waiting for my food I passed the time looking through some trashy celebrity magazine. There was a section on some event or awards or whatever with what various women had been wearing. I'm a girl after all so I like pretty dresses. I'm not going to name any names but one woman was wearing a long dress, it was strapless but all round modest and respectable, it wasn't super tight or see through or anything just kind of loose and flowing. It was really pretty and she looked lovely. But all the magazine had to say was that she wasn't showing enough flesh, that her dress should be short and she should show off her body. Yet another woman was wearing a dress that in my opinion shouldn't be considered a dress at all. It was completely see-through except for a few "strategically placed" lace sections. It was disgraceful, yet the magazine praised and commended it. Seriously?

How have we gotten to this state in our culture where women are encouraged to disregard any sense of self-respect and dignity and to treat themselves as objects and expected to dress to show off their bodies so that they can be leered at and so that their value can be judged from how 'hot' or 'sexy' they look? It really does astound me but women really do seem to fall for this. Just look in any fashion magazine or even just look out of your window.

You don't even have to add the Christian dimension of not leading others into sin to realise that there is something deeply wrong with the way women are encouraged to dress and present themselves. This is fundamentally an issue of self-respect and dignity, and the lack thereof that our culture is producing. Do you really want to be judged solely for your body? Is that really all you are worth? Of course not! It is up to women to reclaim our dignity by refusing to conform to this touted image and by treating ourselves and our bodies with the respect we deserve.

Defending Traditional Marriage

I've posted about this on Twitter many times but I think it's undeniably important so I wanted to share it here as well.

Coalition For Marriage - if you live in the UK and are over 16 years of age then I urge you to sign this petition. We need to make sure our voices are heard and that we do not simply bow down to 'political correctness'.

Starbucks, Same-Sex Marriage, and You - this article is overall about Starbucks' support of same-sex marriage but as part of the article gives a very good background on why the Catholic  Church opposes same-sex marriage.

Catechism of the Catholic Church - this links to the section of the Catechism on marriage.

We must stand up in defence of traditional marriage and fight against the threats facing this most sacred union.

Missing

My entire life I felt like there was something missing. You're forced to think about your future very young. I was choosing what I wanted to do at university from about 16. How on earth was I supposed to make a decision about what I wanted to do for the rest of my life? I didn't have the faintest idea of what I was going to do. I kept just going with whatever career suggestions were given to me but none of them ever felt right. No matter what I thought about I just couldn't truly see them in my future. I pretended and tried to feel that these things could be my future but it wasn't really there. The future remained this blank space in my life that no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't fill. It made me so unhappy because I felt like everyone else had things so sorted out but I just couldn't seem to do the same thing. I desperately wanted to fill that blank space but couldn't.

Religious life has finally filled that blank space. It is the missing piece in my heart. It's what I realise now that I was always searching for. I am not unrealistic, I know it will not be easy. There will be hard times and there will be struggles. There will be tears and moments where I will want to give up. That is true of any state of life because that is simply the way this world is. But if that state of life is your calling them it is worth it. It is worth it because there is nothing else in the world that will give the same joy and it is that joy that makes the difficulties seem less difficult.

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Pros of Being a Nun

A question was asked on CAF about what the pros of becoming and being a nun were. The poster seemed to know little about religious life and could only see negatives (as is the case with so many people nowadays). I wrote a response giving what I see in the religious life and thought I'd post it here.

I am only discerning so I have no experience but I can only tell you how I see the religious life. Simply put, I believe it is where God wants me to be. There is nothing I want more than to be consecrated to God and dedicate my life to Him. As a nun I will be able to give every second of my life to God in a way that life in the world just wouldn't let me. To be free from all the noise and distractions and clutter of the world and just be in a place where everything is for Him and His glory, I can't imagine anything else more wonderful. There will be sacrifices, but none of those things really matter. The important things will remain and only the superfluous will be lost. My family and friends will be able to visit and write to me and one day I will be united with them again in heaven. Money and possessions and other worldly distractions are nothing compared to the will of God. After all He has given me, how can I deny Him? I think of being a nun and there is nothing but joy. I will be a bride of Christ, and with every moment I will live to serve and glorify Him.
One day I will stand before my sisters, my family and God and make the solemn profession that will forever consecrate me to Him and His service. "Behold, what I longed for, I now see; what I hoped for, I now possess; I am united in heaven to him whom on earth I have loved with all my heart."

My Story

I updated my vocation story on The Vocation Operation earlier and added this little section which I thought I'd share here. It's the short story of how my serious discernment came about and how I got started with this blog!

It was some time in October 2011 when I read an article online about young women who were becoming nuns. The numbers were small but a growing number of young women were choosing religious life, the article said. I was transfixed. People still did that? And not just anyone, but women who were my age. I read that article over and over again. There was a short video, an extract from a documentary that would air soon. I watched that clip over and over. I was devastated when I missed the documentary but then someone told me it was still online on the channel's website and I watched it immediately. Again, I was transfixed. I was blown away by it. The things these women were saying just spoke to me and I felt an instant empathy with it. It stirred again that desire in my heart and I felt that longing in a way I had never felt it before. I cried and cried because I could feel this deep tug in my own heart and I knew that this was something I had to seriously consider. It wasn't the active communities I had researched before that drew me, I was captivated by the beauty of the cloistered life. That was the moment my serious discernment began.

I prayed and prayed. I researched orders again. I prayed some more. In a way I had never fully done before I opened my heart to God's will and said to Him, "Let not my will be done but Yours. I live only to do your will, I surrender my will to you and place myself entirely in your hands." And there it was, as it always had been, my calling. Finally no fear, no bargaining, no denial, just a deep and undeniable calling. There are nuns and sisters who find their calling in some mystical experience, a heavenly voice literally calling them. For me, the calling was much more internal. It was a feeling of indescribable joy and the simple knowledge that this was what the Lord wanted for me. I was at Daily Mass, having just been praying in Adoration and reading the Rule of St Benedict, and I cried silently as that immense joy filled me.

I left Mass that day and went into the narthex to take off my veil. There's a little spot by the noticeboards where I always stop to take it off and put it back in my bag and get my headphones out. Coincidentally, or perhaps providentially, there was an older woman there changing the noticeboards. We started talking and found out she had been to the same university as me, many years before. She asked me what I wanted to do after university and for the first time in my life I answered "I'm thinking of becoming a nun." As I talked about it with her I was so filled with joy and passion. That experience was what led me to start my blog, Emily Ann's Corner.